the 'why don't they love me?' syndrome. it has always been a personal favorite syndrome of mine. one that i have sat around for countless hours and wondered internally and embarrassingly enough, externally. it is a close runner up to the 'do i deserve to be loved?' syndrome. also, many hours spent asking my cats and my beloved childhood stuffed 'pig pig' (yes, you guessed it, he is a pig. i was a very imaginative child.) in between sobs and cuddles, everyone doing the best the can to hold me together. even now, my faithful little russian blue Ziggy sits curled up next me, paw over my foot head resting against it. he is my magic healer.
right now i am afflicted with both of these syndromes, my two perfect casters of doubt. i have been trying to tell myself for days, weeks even that i don't have have a touch of either of these two, but the time has come to face the music. they have come in and taken over my brain and now i need to take the steps needed to recover. do i even know what those steps are anymore? am i strong enough to take them? isn't it easier to just pretend that it isn't happening, la la la, life is sunshine and roses?
i have to first understand that these particular syndromes want to break me down, they want to make me smaller, they want to make me insignificant. they want to make me feel like every bad thing that has happened in my 29 years of life are justified. i almost let them win.
this is the part where i take back my life. this is the part where i really evaluate who i am and the things in life that i have done and what i have survived. this is the part where i tell those syndromes to kick rocks because i am not going to let them swallow me whole.
there is a fine line between being private and being secretive. i, for the most part, keep my private life private. i don't air my laundry or badmouth my signifiant others, especially online. so, to even allude to having a significant other to be private about is a big step. for all intents and purposes i have been 'single' for 3 years and 11 months, but there has been someone that i have been interested in, deeply interested in, during that time. for one reason or another it has never gone very far. this doesn't mean that my feelings have been of a nonchalant basis, on the contrary in fact. i would go as far as to say without a doubt that i love this person; which brings me to my two beautifully destructive syndromes.
'why don't the love me?' this is a silly question when you really get to the root of it. in my case it is even more silly because the answer is easy. he does love me. despite whatever may be happening within himself, he loves me. sometimes love is just not enough. it also brings me back to my pervious blog post; sometimes you have to love yourself before you can truly love someone else, before you can give yourself fully to another person. i have to remind myself and my pesky brain, that 'hey ya dingus, some things just aren't about you!'.
'do i deserve to be loved?' this is the age old question. the answer is obviously; yes. yes, i do deserve to be loved. i am a good person. but more so, i am honest, understanding, willing to admit fault, willing to compromise, communicate. i have a good job, a kind soul, a vast brain, a childlike spirit, a deep empathetic understanding of the human heart and brain. i am good friend, explorer, adventurer, jokester, a listener, a giver of advice, a reader, an audiophile, a dancer in the dark, the giver of chances. at the core of my being i am human. just like you, just like him.
i need to take a step back sometimes and realize that being deserving of those things doesn't mean that you sacrifice yourself to be loved. the right person will love you even if you don't always say the right things, or let your temper get the best of you. some people just can't see past the negative things to allow all of the beautiful things into their lives, to let a beautiful you into their lives. i need to remind myself of that in these times where the syndromes are duking it out for my affections. am i saying that he is not the right person? not at all, in fact, i know he is the only person. he is just not the person that he wants to be and until he is i can't expect him to want to love me, to want to make it work.
it is strange when you realize that you have spent a significant amount of time waiting for someone to 'get it together', when you are the one that needs to get your own head together. when you are the one that needs to get outside of your own self and realize that, yes you deserve love and that you deserve happiness and you shouldn't settle for less, but that you can't expect someone to give you their all when they haven't even given it to themselves.
time seems like it is moving so quickly, but the right person is worth all of the time in the world. you are worth all the time in the world. just don't lose yourself waiting. you just need to keep being who you are and not allowing pesky toxic syndromes pull you into their web of lies and misery because someone does love you and you do deserve it.
'the reader'
'the adventurer'
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